Before Boys
At a party in 1984 the kids are watching Ghostbusters. I think that’s right. The little birthday girl isn’t too happy about it. She’s invited all these girls to her house, but as usual for 4th graders, there are sides being taken, alliances being formed. Politics at its youngest. They have chosen sides against her (or so she interprets) and its probably because she was caught crying. Well, she didn’t control her public display of emotion. A tactic that she had seen work for other girls, but had worked less often for her.
There is a game of memory where Mom brings out a tray of objects covered in a cloth napkin. Napkin is removed; girls memorize what they see. Thirty seconds pass; tray is removed; girls write down what they remember.
The birthday girl loses.
She loses the next game, and the next; and is then quite fixated on the fact that there must be a conspiracy. How can she not win at her own party? She’s had too much candy, she’s tired and spoiled by the attention and blubbers to one side.
All the parties came to this sooner or later. Blubbering. The bowling party, the ice cream parlor party, the Ghostbusters party. Beyond these three, I have no recollection of any other parties, so I must have been cut off
But regardless, at an early age I couldn’t feel much compassion between us girls. I could feel a lot of competition. I was at once alienated and angry, and at another desperate to make more friends, collect them like porcelain dolls and hope that one day someone would ‘want’ to be my friend, not just have accidently acquired me. I wanted to be desirable. And a winner.
There is a game of memory where Mom brings out a tray of objects covered in a cloth napkin. Napkin is removed; girls memorize what they see. Thirty seconds pass; tray is removed; girls write down what they remember.
The birthday girl loses.
She loses the next game, and the next; and is then quite fixated on the fact that there must be a conspiracy. How can she not win at her own party? She’s had too much candy, she’s tired and spoiled by the attention and blubbers to one side.
All the parties came to this sooner or later. Blubbering. The bowling party, the ice cream parlor party, the Ghostbusters party. Beyond these three, I have no recollection of any other parties, so I must have been cut off
But regardless, at an early age I couldn’t feel much compassion between us girls. I could feel a lot of competition. I was at once alienated and angry, and at another desperate to make more friends, collect them like porcelain dolls and hope that one day someone would ‘want’ to be my friend, not just have accidently acquired me. I wanted to be desirable. And a winner.
posted by Francine at 9:25 a.m.
1 Comments:
I hold you true and dear as do the many others p,m,c,a,j,d,k on this side of the border.
There was a movie night and a girl I had always seen around school floats up to me to say "Ive always wanted to be your friend" And The Twins were born. Amazing how a friendship can pull you through the smallest of holes. Those summer days with Sundays on deck. The music always brings the memories back. Car rides in brown beasts windows down hair flying out the window singing our hearts out. Summer air. Only to go back to summer air without the big 30 approaching and yet it does and where are we Why is this so hard? Why do the tears flow so softly at the faintest whisper of childhood.
love kinder
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